What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
