Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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