i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
