I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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