This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
