My cat gives me a boner
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
