So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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