What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
