I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
