You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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