gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize