so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
