she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
