the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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