haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize