Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's no shave November. This is our time.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
