I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
