dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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