it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
