You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
