Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
