Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
