im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
