Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
