I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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