I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
