You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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