Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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