Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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