thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
