my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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