My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize