I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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