I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
