I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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