I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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