Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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