his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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