If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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