I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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