Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
