You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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