I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
