Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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