listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We had to coat check the pizza.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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