Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
