I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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