Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
