sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
