Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You pole danced in your parka.
third nipple confirmed
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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