Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
