Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
