the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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