can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize