Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize