I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
