tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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