I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
