Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the day after is always just damage control
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
