so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
