So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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