Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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