Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
