Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
