when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
