Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
