Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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